When was the last time you self-sabotaged so as not to offend?

Was it at a birthday party? At work when a co-worker brought in cake? Not to mention the social minefield of refusing sugary high-carb crap that’s thrust expectantly at us around Christmas time.

No, not eating garbage for an entire month does not make one a Grinch!

In reality, it’s all about the other person’s guilt for not being able to stick to a healthy way of eating. If they can pressure you into ‘transgressing’, then they don’t feel as though you’re shining a light upon their lack of willpower and they can continue the misplaced belief that your brand of healthy eating doesn’t work; regardless of how damn good you look.

Now, I pride myself on being respectful towards others. I think it’s important and sets a standard of behaviour that I expect in return. I may not agree with everything a person says, does or eats, but unless appropriate and/or relevant, I keep my opinion to myself.

For example: if I’m dining out with a group of friends and one chooses the vegetarian option over a big-ass steak. Of-course I believe that they’d be better off chowing-down on a slab of protein and fat. But, that doesn’t mean it’s my place to cajole them into trying a mouthful (as if I’d share steak) or criticising their choice. Worse still, suggesting that they’re somehow less worthy or sociable for following their beliefs.

That said, when was the last time you recall anyone being lambasted for avoiding meat? I can’t think of a single occurrence – apparently being a carnivore does not come with its very own soap-box. Conversely, if you turn down a sugar-laden offering, you instantly run the gauntlet of judgement. And where’s the consideration that what they consider to be the food of the gods, may actually make you sick.

As I said before: I do try to be polite, and excuse people when they simply don’t get where I’m coming from. I also have my limits and I’m unapologetic about them. Allow me to give an example:

I recently joined a group of people for an extended hike. I didn’t know most of them and assumed they’d all have a reasonably healthy mindset, given the activity.

However, there was one guy, also new to the group, who brought an enormous bag of sweets and lollipops which he would offer around at regular intervals. Of-course it was a well-intended gesture and a great way to initiate conversations. But here’s the thing: he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Despite most declining at first, such was his persistence that by the end of the day I was the only person who hadn’t accepted anything from him; much to his obvious confusion and annoyance.

It was also interesting to note that the more people he inducted into his sugary fan-club, the bolder his comments at my ever-polite refusals became.

On first being offered a lollipop I assumed that my expression of appreciation at his offer, accompanied by an explanation that I don’t eat sugar, would have been enough. I was wrong.

An hour later he was at it again. Some people tried to refuse, but at his insistence, reluctantly took something from his bag. One person commented to me, as she serreptitiously slid a lolly out of sight, that she took it to be polite. I replied that I too was polite: I simply wasn’t prepared to be pressured into something I didn’t want.

Not that there’s anything creepy about a someone who can’t take no for an answer, right?

Throughout the course of the day, pretty much everyone had been worn down to the extent that they’d accepted multiple items of candy; whether they’d eaten them or not. Obviously feeling emboldened, he finally turned to me and said: “Well I won’t bother asking you”. I confess that at this point, my patience had all but expired: “Not unless you have a vested interest in seeing me puke all over this mountain” was my reply.

But no, he couldn’t let it go: “Don’t you feel like you’re missing out when everyone else has had some?”

I thought about moderating my words, but sometimes in life you’ve got to be blunt to get your message across; especially as he was now using a tactic of othering, or group exclusion as a means to obtain my capitulation. Bear in mind that he was also speaking loudly, at a picnic area within ear-shot of everyone. Another pressure tactic.

In the interest of full disclosure, any kind of bullying or unwelcome and persistent pressure, is a trigger-point for me. I decided to end it, once and for all.

Leaning back casually, I smiled, looked him up and down and said: “I’m in my fifties, I have single-digit body-fat, and a six-pack. I’m quite alright as I am, thank you.”

If ever there was a mike-drop moment. Needless to say, he avoided me for the rest of the day.

The sad thing is that many people endure similar pressure all the time. Not just from random acquaintances, but also from co-workers, family and so-called friends. The temptation to give-in to this kind of social pressure is enormous and takes resolve to resist.

There is a real risk in certain situations of social exclusion. Yet, on the flipside, you will also be seen as a strong individual for staying true to your principles. This is a quality that will draw like-minded people towards you, while making bullies wary: a win-win situation!

He could easily have respected my choice and initiated a conversation on another topic. But, this was soon beyond his scope of interest, as my unwillingness to conform became the sole focus of our interaction.

At the end of the day, your personal health goals are more important than other people’s feelings. It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, or the occasion: you have an absolute right not to compromise your health and wellbeing simply to comply with another person’s outdated idea of social etiquette.

Would Granny really be happy that you ate her Christmas cake, if she knew the consequence was you spending the rest of the night hanging over the toilet, heaving? Or would she rejoice in knowing that you’re a person of character and principle that stays true to your beliefs?

Unfortunately, we’ve been trained to think that being polite means not standing up for ourselves and giving-in to the wishes of others; despite it not being in our best interests.

By flipping this around we can clearly see that it’s they who’re not being polite or respectful. Because, anyone who genuinely has concern for your welfare will not try to coerce you into doing what they want when it’s clearly against your wishes.

And, if you want to get technical: this is a form of abusive behaviour. Allowing someone to exercise this degree of influence over you, risks a loss of control and potential escalation. Sadly, we must be prepared to train people with less empathy or emotional intelligence in the correct way to treat us, or at least create boundaries that must not be crossed.

Whenever you choose a healthy lifestyle and way of eating, you do so with the best intentions for yourself. And, with a pay-it-forward attitude, you most likely support and encourage others who have similar aspirations. And that’s exactly the way it ought to be: a mutually supportive tribe of people who want better for themselves.

Make no mistake, this is belief-level stuff. What’s more, when this belief is evidenced by better health, it becomes more than a lifestyle-choice; it connects with you on an identity-level.

This is why I find it disrespectful when someone refuses to acknowledge the choices I’ve made, especially when they have no detrimental impact on anyone else.

Therefore, I humbly suggest practising selective-politeness. Don’t give up on it entirely as it’s a wonderful quality. All I’m saying is that you not self-sabotage by letting it run rampant. In fact, if a little well-placed push-back against social expectation is appropriate to safeguard your choices then it is absolutely the best thing you can possibly do.

If that should fail: be as rude as you like!

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